No I'm not emo if that's what you're thinking. Technically, I'm not taking my "hard" classes yet in college. How come I'm all of a sudden, needing to always catch up and study now ?? I'm not struggling in my classes so far; but it's only the second week of classes. Because of that, a lot of my time, when last semester, I did a lot of hanging out, is now taken up in the lab studying and doing homework. I hate it, but I know I need to finish my education to better my chances in living a good life. If I'm struggling and always working on homework now, I can't even imagine how much worse it will be in next semester's classes. Sure I'm meeting new people and all that, but they're people in my classes and for now, I'm only talking to them in class. To add to my full load of classes, I'm also working part time as well. On the bright side, I finally fall asleep much easier now at night. But then again, I don't even have time to go to the gym anymore. My goodness, everyday feels like I'm going to class, then going to the lab to study, then going to the student lounge to hang out for about an hour ……….. But then I go to class again to end my day at school. From there I either go home or I go to work ….. What a life. College is great, yes, but sometimes it feels like college is only great depending on how hard or how many classes you're taking. Those damn people who party all the time in college are either taking only two classes, failing, and/or majoring in communications. Maybe that's what I need to do cause I'm not ready to be this busy and antisocial for the next three to four years ...
So the spring semester finally began after having about a month and a half off from school. I'm sitting here on my laptop in a car on my ride home from Aspen. Because of that, I'm finally getting the time to type out a fully thought out blog once again.
The semester started on a Tuesday instead of a Monday because it was President's Day. The weekend prior was hectic and busy. That Friday and Saturday I was still in Seattle. Sunday morning just made it super busy because of our seven hour flight home. I didn't know if my books were in and ready for me at my place so that had me a little restless adding upon the fact that I wasn't ready for the semester to start. The day before class began, me and the fam went through the process of packing and moving back into my dorm in Denver. Before making that last stop at my dorm, we went to Park Meadows Mall to shop around for a little. I also went to talk to the manager at the place I work at to tell them I'm finally off leave. After the mall, we went to the Asian Markets on Federal to shop for some food and to grub up on some Pho (pronounced "foe" under an American accent, or "Poe-Hoe" under a Filipino accent). Let me say this though, moving in sucks so much. Unpacking and getting things organized as I once was is so time consuming. But eventually, I got settled in and I was ready to check out my classes.
All my classes except for my math class and my CAD class had someone great to look at and even talk to, I love it. Finishing my first week of school, I can easily say that this semester is going to be my hardest so far. Not only am I taking harder classes compared to last semester, I'm also taking more classes overall; I'm taking in a full load compared to my measly thirteen credits. My CAD class is boring as can be, and Art seem to be a class I'm not going to enjoy too well either. Physics lecture too. The professor teaching the course is horrible. So far, I needed to read the book on my own and rely solely on that because of how bad the professor is teaching the course.
The weekend after, things didn't slow down just yet. Since Friday I no longer have any classes that day, I decided to go to Aspen with a small group of people to watch the Winter X-Games for the weekend. It's amazing how nice the 970 area is compared to Denver and Colorado Springs. The place is overall expensive as well despite how small the area is and how little the area is populated compared to other cities in Colorado like Denver or Colorado Springs. Watching the snowboarders and skiers do their work on the slopes, it's simply amazing what they're able to do. The experience of watching them just on ESPN doesn't even come close to the experience of watching them live. It makes me think about how difficult the those sports truly are.
Anyways, the semester's seeming to head the right direction. Everything is seeming to go right. Sure, I've had some major losses already in the new year, but all I can do for now is look forward; even though I'm having some trouble in doing so.
I haven't posted a blog in forever. That doesn't mean that I've given up with this blog. I've been actually writing up some stuff I wanted to post up here, such as the update on my trip from Seattle. I decided to just not post that one up since it's been a week since I was there. Sooo, in that case, the next blog that should be up should be coming up soon. More than likely, it'll be dealing with how the beginning of the semester went for me.
Just a warning, don't read this if you're not ready to read crap. This is what all this is, an essay on crap. Exit now if you're not ready to read this. Keep in mind that I'm not looking for any pity. If any of you can be willing to help me out, that would be great, but no pity please. Anyways ….
I'm finally realizing that the biggest and brightest star I've been trying to touch is impossible for me to reach. The moment I finally try and make one last push to reach that star, that dream is broken up by a rude awakening. It's like I've woken up from the dream I've been dreaming for the past many years. Sleepless nights are no longer because I had slept the whole day earlier or because I'm having so much fun, I can't fall asleep. My glass heart seems to have been dropped and shattered beyond the possibility of repair. I can't help but feel my stomach turn every time I would see that face now. My hopes were high considering my past knowledge, but as usual, I'm wrong. I shouldn't be surprised though. It's a constant trend that I should recognize by now. The constant trend of me usually being wrong is ultimately followed by another constant trend of my consistent dose of bad luck. Bad luck seems to always hit me where it hurts. This time, the bad luck I've come across all my life, has seemed to hit me the hardest emotionally; it seems to be hitting me harder than losing my bike, laptop, iPod, everything …. including my scholarship. But one thing I don't want is pity. I'd be willing to sacrifice anything to make this dream finally come true; but if it has to come down to pity, then I'll just pass that along because that will just make me feel worse. Also if there's a broken dream, there's no use to sacrifice anything considering that it'll be a waste of time.
I hate to say it, but I think that dreams are a waste of time. Up to now, including this one, all my dreams have either been broken, or have yet to come true. So leaving this blog, you can possibly take this advice when I say that don't bother dreaming; if you don't listen to me and dream anyways, please just don't keep your hopes up, because when you do and you're left disappointed, it's one of the worst feelings in the world. This feeling's worse than losing my wisdom teeth; it's worse than coming out of my eye surgeries; it's worse than my worst migraine; it's worse than getting kidney punched; it's worse than your worst stomach ache. Let's just say I can't possibly describe how bad the feeling is because it's that bad. This might be because I'm a sensitive person, I don't know. But I'm hoping that this won't affect me and bum me down when I head to Seattle next week. I also hope that this won't affect my school work this upcoming semester. Last semester, I didn't have to worry about drama out side of my own personal problems. This type of drama is different though. Honestly, it shouldn't be this serious to be writing a novel about; I'm just making it sound this bad by being my ol' dramatic self. The worst part all of this is that this is how my new year is beginning. So whenever I look back at 2009, I have to remember how yet another one of my dreams is broken. One thing I have to thank for is that it is a good thing that my dream wasn't broken while I'm in the middle of a school semester. So I'm guessing that's another bright side to look upon.
I'm hitting a huge step in my life. I'm less naïve about things now, so maybe that's a bright side of this; however, that's when I began learning about things I seriously wished I have never known about. I'm regretting the fact that I followed my heart instead of following my brain, so I guess I have to suck it up now and take the consequences because it's too late for me to take everything back. One thing I should have realized was that ignorance is bliss. If I was smart enough, I would have recognized that my best option would be to stay ignorant and naïve so my dreams wouldn't ever stop. I love how my dream was broken slowly and slowly by fluffing or candy coating the truth. I'd love to take the truth easily in a manly, masculine type of way, but obviously, that's not going to happen. Instead, I took in the realization quite harshly. I was planning to just push this broken dream to the back of my mind, but a friend told me that that's a bad idea. I honestly have no problem trying to hide my anger and frustration because I've done it many, many times before. So maybe by trying to resolve this ASAP, I can move on from this safely. I mean this is the first time I've experienced this type of broken dream, so this could be the reason why it's hitting me so hard.
Originally, this blog was supposed to be about my New Year's resolutions; however, this came up and I thought this would be better for me to vent out instead of writing a meaningless piece on promises that would eventually get broken anyways. This blog may seem selfish and weird because it may sound as if I'm looking for attention; however, you chose to read this blog, I won't take the blame for wasting your time. I'm sorry. But like I said, I don't want your pity. Unless you can fix this broken dream, don't try and talk to me about this unless you can help me out. I honestly doubt anyone can help me out. If you think you can and you do, you're simply amazing. It's pathetic though considering the amount I've gone through and how much of a pansy I'm sounding like right now. I'm not emo, even though I do sound a little emo right now. It's just that, as usual, I'm sounding overdramatic and all that; but, that's just the way I am. I'm sorry. Pity me, but don't pity me.
Originally created on Dec. 31, 2008. 12:43 P.M.
Usually people never take the time to stop and really look what's around them when they go to someplace new, unless they're sightseeing right ? I've seen it in TV shows and everything, where people just go outside in the cold night to take a walk cause they couldn't sleep or whatever. My purpose for that walk was to get a little bit sleepier because I couldn't get to sleep for the past hour or so and to cool down from the extremely warm and musty room I had to sleep in. Well, as I walked in circles listening to nothing but the water flow through the half frozen stream and the wind blow by my ear, it felt like time had stood still. Fifteen minutes felt like an hour; an hour felt like three hours. For the hour and a half or two hours I stayed outside in my shorts and jacket, pointless things and not so pointless things came across my mind. I noticed how the black sky isn't so black. I pointed out constellations such as Ursa Major (aka the Big Dipper) and Orion concluding that the opaque sky was surrounded with bright stars. I noticed how the majority of the cars where I was at, had license plates from other states, which wasn't too surprising because of where I was at. I saw plates from Missouri, Texas, Iowa, and of course, Colorado. Walking across the overpass, I stared at the water either for fifteen minutes or for an hour, I can't remember. The whole time I was outside, not a single car passed by and there seemed to be absolutely no sign of human life whatsoever. It felt like I was at a ghost town.
Anyways, onto my main point …. Well, as I stood outside for those couple of hours, I mentioned earlier that many pointless and not so pointless things came to my mind. I thought about how my winter break's going to end in less than two weeks. I thought about how the year is coming to end. I thought about all the things I did just this year. I also thought about all the heartbreaking things that happened to me: all the things I lost and almost lost within just a mere month, or when I found out that I was still losing my vision, slowly and unnoticeably. And then I thought about all the stupid decisions that could've prevent all these bad things to happen to me; how stupid decisions have probably left me not as happy as I could be now. Looking back at this year, I thought I took a huge step to being an adult did things like choosing to live on my own, choosing to take care of my own credit card bills, learning how to manage money on my own, you know, little things like that. Sure, I learned how to do those adult things, but when I thought about it, I haven't changed one bit. I'm still the same indecisive, dramatic, stubborn kid from ten years ago. I'm that same kid, just older now. I thought about it; if I'm ever going to progress in life, I need to make some vital and crucial decisions instead of just blowing them off and trying to avoid it. I guess I just have to see what happens from here.
