From organizing pictures on your computer or perfecting the tags in your music library to filing bills and receipts or making diaries or scrapbooking. I could see why old people do things such as scrapbooking and everything for fun. It kills time and it keeps you really occupied. I've always have that kind of joy when I'd archive my past texts on my cellie or making my iTunes library more precise and accurate when it comes to tagging. Not only that, it seems to make our lives more organized. I could only imagine if everything is fully organized. Life would start to become boring when you have free time.
I want to make a true attempt finally. Not a half assed try, but a full well thought out attempt. BUT, from the looks of it, I'm probably too late, a half a year too late to be more specific. However, I still feel that you're the only one that could turn everything around for me. I don't want to make a direct message this time because if you know who you are, then this will be a direct message regardless. Holding in everything and just patiently waiting is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. Knowing that 'I'll always have a chance', it makes me wonder how true that statement really is. If that is true, it would be great to get one of those chances again; however, from looking at everything, I doubt that that was ever true to begin with. Pessimistic, I know, but I can't help but think that way. When something good's happen to me, even if it's nothing big, something much much worse and hurtful, just has to happen as well. Sometimes I just wish I have never known any of what I already known. Ignorance is bliss right ?? Unless something great happens to me soon, I can't help but regret every single stupid decision I did that put myself in this very lonely position. I just honestly am dying to know, but then again I don't. It's like a heartbreak waiting to happen knowing that because I played my cards wrong, there's no turning back and changing what is only history now. This isn't a direct message, but I'm hoping you read it. Don't assume that it's you though, cause it could be you, but it could always not be you as well. Like that whole line of pointless messages I sent out not too long ago, this may possibly be as pointless as well. If you're the one, you should know what I'm talking about. This time however, I honestly want to know the "truth" this time. Heartbreak or not, I'm just dying to know now. I'm tired of waiting, I just need to know if it's truly too late to make this one last try. I don't want to think that I'm trying to take advantage considering how December is the month of when a lot of you people are emotionally vulnerable for whatever reason. That's my only wish for this Christmas. Only if your heart isn't taken, which I'm afraid to say that it probably is.
I think I wrote that last blog (what I want most for Christmas) a little too soon. As usual, I felt like I've been having the time of my life and as usual, something seems to be fucking me over. I thought I had the life. Good grades, a job which isn't that bad to be honest, the feeling that I done my part in giving, and plans upon plans throughout the break. My ass is prolly PMS'ing or something. Usually I would just try to hide it by not mentioning it to anyone or just tell a lucky few, but this time, I feel like I just need to let the e-world know before I get a heart attack or something from my frustration at the moment. First of all, fuck friends. I feel like I get disappointed all the time now; whether it is because of drama or whether it is because of bailing out from plans or whether it is just because I know my life will stay at a halt because of them. But I'm hoping I'm just having one of those moments where I'm over thinking these things. These past couple of days, I've been seriously thinking about just returning the gifts I got for my friends because I don't think it's worth giving to them especially if they're not going to appreciate the thought and the time I took to thinking of what to get everyone. Around the first week of December was the time when I began planning and buying Christmas present for my friends. And even to think I spent as much as I did for those present, knowing that I knew that I would prolly not receive as much back, it's just frustrating considering how I'm feeling right now. Second of all …. 'Tis the season to be jolly right ?? Well even to think that maybe my Christmas wishes would come true or to think that this would be a Winter break to remember. Yahh, this is a winter break to remember. It's only been one week into my break and I already want to leave the Springs and just stay away from there. I have no future here. All that's here are dreams that'll never come true; it's like a reaching for a star, knowing that though I keep trying to reach, the star will always be impossible to reach. It's like I'm just looking forward to being disappointed. It's frustrating and I feel like my friends have something to do with it. I need to stop thinking that though. Like I said earlier, I'm hoping that this is just one of my episodes and that all this will go away. But for some reason, I feel like this feeling is going to last for a while unless something great happens to me. I'm not even looking forward to Christmas anymore; I'm not looking forward to giving these presents out to everyone; all I'm looking forward to is to leaving these damned place for a week to finish my winter break. I haven't felt this bad since the beginning of this summer, shortly after my high school graduation. I don't know what I need right now: maybe it's a hug, maybe it's a talk …. I honestly don't know anymore.
What if I chose to go to college at UCCS or CSU Fort Collins or the School of Mines instead of CU Denver ??
Every little decision can have a major influence in how things end up turning out the way they turn out, kind of like the plot of the movie "The Butterfly Effect." Something as simple as not saying "yes" instead of "no" to something small can have a huge change in as seen in that movie. To be honest, my final decisions on which college to attend came down to only CU Denver and oblivious to me at the time, UCCS. But as far back as the beginning of my senior year of high school, decisions from there could have influenced me to go to a different college... let alone being MUCH MUCH more focused all four years of high school leaving me with a higher GPA than what I ended up with. Either way, certain decisions would have left me going to a different school or possibly not even going to college after graduation.
Well this is my life as of right now …
So I'm living in Downtown Denver at the apartment dorms. I'm doing pretty well with school, partially because I'm not at home. Historically, I've been notorious with being lazy and not doing my work because I just plain out can't concentrate at home; however, living on my own in Denver, I've been able to get myself together and work on homework during my free time instead of just wasting it solely on the TV. I grew apart from many of my friends in the Springs, partially because I believe it had to do with all the stuff that happened during the summer before the semester started. Regardless, they stayed grown apart while I lived in Denver.
So if I ended up ….
1. not going to college at all this semester. Honestly, I could NEVER see myself doing this. So next !!
2. not messing up that first gen scholarship at CSU Fort Collins. The FoCo life would have probably been bad for me considering that I'd be partying too much compared to how much I am at Denver. I'd probably not go home much as well because of how far Fort Collins is from Colorado Springs.
3. decided to stay in the Springs and just lived at home and go to UCCS. In all honestly, my grades would have probably again suffered because of how bad I am with working on homework at home. My social skills would have also not gotten any better considering I would just rely on my high school friends to be my main friends, not saying that's a bad thing though.
4. didn't mess up my application to the Colorado School of Mines. I would actually have loved to have went there instead of the other places not including CU Boulder or a college out of state. Who knows. It could have been a hit or miss for me on how well I would do academically.
It seems that I've been getting my way for most of this month. I realized that I have made a nice handful of friends at Denver while keeping a small handful of my old friends. I got the laptop of my dreams, a new camcorder, a new backup phone, pretty much everything I would (almost) possibly want electronically. I also did well this semester as well which just made me feel even more happier. Yahh, pretty much, this month of December, I haven't felt this happy in a LONG time. When I say a long time, I'm saying since how excited I was during the first couple months of my senior year of high school. Yet, what I want the most in my life right now, seems to be something I've never ever received as a gift ever in my life. Other than owning a nice new sports car, the only realistic thing I can possibly see me getting this Christmas is a girlfriend I would want to be with. Looking into my past, I pretty much fucked up numerous opportunities to be with girl I actually liked myself. And now that I actually really want to be in a relationship, it just seems really hard to find someone compared to the times when I really didn't want to be in a relationship. Make sense ?? It seems that I can't find anyone outside of who I already know and like to try and get with. So maybe I can try and go for the girls I already know and like instead, especially considering the time of season it is ...
1. Christmas, which means maybe my chances of getting what I want will be higher.
2. a time of heartbreaks, which has been occurring a lot as of late, which means girls are likely to be emotionally vulnerable.
I just don't know where to turn towards anymore. I don't know whether to make a move or not. For months now, I've been keeping a mindset of staying strictly friends and not trying to go beyond that. I've told myself over and over that I wouldn't ever try making a move on the circle of girls I already know anymore considering I've actually been happy with my life. But if I don't do something now, then it could be yet another golden opportunity missed unless that opportunity comes to me, of course. I've been giving more instead of just staying stingy with my money recently, in hopes that good karma will hit me. Who knows. Especially with all this bullshit that's been happening as of late, I don't know if there's such thing as good karma. Possibly if my Christmas wish were to come true, my life would be that much happier.
Ok, I've been waiting to write an entry on this. Well, With the conclusion of the semester, I can honestly say that I've learned a LOT within just this semester alone. If you have heard me complain about school before, you know how much I supposedly "hate" school. But after finishing the semester, I can actually say that I don't hate school at all. The night I finished my last final, I went home and began organizing my work from this semester so it could be stored away. As I was organizing, in a nerdy way, I felt proud of the work I had done for my classes; granted, I didn't necessarily take any "hard" classes and my schedule wasn't grueling compared to other people's schedules. This semester I only took thirteen credit hours which I'm starting to regret because I could have easily taken another class this semester. This semester, all I took was a math class, the required English class, a history elective, and a sociology elective. Thank goodness, by the way, that that history class is finally over and done with. Just a head up for you people that are looking forward to getting that history class that's required out of the way, Paths to the Present I aka HIST 1381, is one of the WORST classes I have taken so far in my college career. And I'm sure it'll stay that way as the semesters go on. Overall, I thought I did quite well this semester both academically and socially. Though I began to slip a little towards the end of the semester, I bettered my social status by becoming friends with a great group of people. Next semester, I'm looking forward to an even better semester with more classes. I can't wait for it to begin.
... from this semester ..
the only book i'm looking for is ...
University Physics Volume 1 Chapters 1-20 (Paperback)
by Hugh D. Young (Author), et al.
ISBN: 9780321500625
for General Physics I (PHYS 2311 at my college).
if you're able to provide the Response Clicker, that'll be great as well.
holler at me if you have it and if you're willing to sell me it or let me use it for free (=.
book i no longer need .....
From Core Comp I (ENGL 1020 at my college)
Everything's an Argument
by Andrea A. Lunsford and John J. Ruszkiewicz
ISBN: 9780312447496
From Races and Ethnicities in the U.S. (SOC 3020 at my college)
Races and Ethinicity in the U.S. 4th Edition
by Richard T. Schaefer
ISBN: 978131733268
Rethinking the Color Line 3rd Edition
by Charles A. Gallagher
ISBN: 0073135747
From Paths to the Present I (HIST 1381 at my college)
Defining Memory
by Amy K. Levin
ISBN: 9780759110502
A Pocket Guide to Writing in History 5th Edition
by Mary Lynn Rampolla
ISBN: 9780312446734
A History of the World in 6 Glasses
by Tom Standage
ISBN:9780802715524
HOLLER at me
